What I Know but Can't Tell Yet

Well, I guess it's time for this post.  I wrote both of these "entries" (and the title of the post) over a month ago, but knew I wouldn't be posting them until later, if at all. They basically capture some of our emotions before we had told everyone that we are not going to be at Landmark after this year, and now I guess the time is right to share them.  This is a pretty lengthy post, but I ask that you not start reading it if you can't read it all, or I think you miss the whole picture.  The first entry is what I sat down and wrote just a couple of days before the football banquet, and the other is right before Kenny was going in to tell the principal/headmaster at Landmark that he was resigning.  If you're not part of the Landmark family or just don't know us very well, some of this might sound silly.  I know it's not like we're going to a third world country, but it's still a huge step for our family...and there are a lot of us that are affected by this, both in our family and beyond.  I just can't put into words how difficult this process has been the past couple of years, and specifically the past several months, seeking after what the Lord was tugging at our hearts to do.  I apologize for some of my rambling, but I just wrote the way I do...just journaling my thoughts as they come in the moment.  The first entry I wrote was January 18th and the second was January 25th.

January 18, 2012
Even as I sit and write this I'm not sure if this will ever be published or not.  Regardless, I think I need to record where my heart is right now...today, because our whole world is about to turn upside down.  We have known for some time that the Lord was up to something (isn't He always, really?)  But, you know what I mean...He was stirring, moving, preparing us for...something.  Kenny and I both have journaled alot of it along the way, and I actually look forward to taking the time soon and reading back through some of that now that we at least know the next big step in this journey. 

About 2-3 years ago we started really sensing the Lord nudging us to keep our eyes open, our hearts open, and be ready...ready for what??  That part we had no idea about.  Kenny has always had a gift for speaking and sharing the Lord's heart, and there have been times throughout the years we've joked, along with others about him being a pastor someday, but we've really always thought of him as a pastor in alot of ways anyway...just a pastor to young men.  Football has been the tool he has used to help mold the hearts of young men, but he's always been a pastor, in a sense, with a great urgency specifically for training up boys and men for the kingdom. Well, when this stirring began a few years back, some of the intial feelings were very mixed, but seemed like the Lord starting to prepare Kenny's heart for pastoring or missions of some sort.  Around that time, we were staying at a friend's lakehouse having a family weekend, and Kenny and I even laid around one night and talked to the 4 boys a long time about the fact that we knew the Lord might be calling Daddy to pastor at some point, and we knew how crazy this sounded.  Now, keep in mind, all our fellas have EVER known is Daddy as a football coach...period!  This was a very comfortable, casual discussion, but, nevertheless, it was met with some skepticism by our boys.  We were honest with as much as we knew at the time and that we were absolutely certain the Lord had us at Landmark and Daddy coaching at that time for a purpose (and on purpose)...and that might never change. We just wanted to hear their thoughts and pray together.  There was nothing more to it than that at the time.  Over the past few years we have had other discussions here and there with the kids about what all the Lord might have for the Dallas family, but it's always just been very up in the air. Plus we even thought maybe this meant in conjunction with what he was already doing at Landmark as head football coach, not instead.  Every now and then when we tell our kids we need to all meet in the den to tell them something, one of the boys will say, jokingly, "Uh-oh, dad's about to tell us he's going to be a pastor or something!"  However, none of seriously knew if anything would ever come of it.

Well, over the past year and a half all of this has just increased more and more...all of this, meaning, the Lord speaking to us, preparing us for something.  Kenny and I have had regular discussions, deep prayertimes, even alot of meetings with people the Lord showed us to talk with numerous times, but none of this has been anything our kids have been involved in.  It was confusing enough to us, and we certainly didn't want to overload them with all we were trying to work through and figure out. We told the Lord a few years back we were wide open to anything He had for us as long as it was His will, but that is, quite honestly, a scary thing to pray...especially when you are in a situation like we are.  Kenny has been a head football coach for 16 years.  11 of those years have been here at Landmark, and to say Landmark has become family to us would be an enormous understatement.  It's all we know.  It's all our children know.  And, I might add, we have loved every minute of it.  There has been no desire to leave Landmark during any of this process, even once we knew the Lord was telling us to.  Why would the Lord have us invest in young men all these years,and Kenny and others work so hard to build this program and now that our own sons are getting old enough to start (in the next couple of years) playing for their Daddy and being under him and all of these coaches day after day have us shift gears?  It just didn't add up.  The Lord led us through a series of events that have brought us to the point we are right now, and to write them all would take an entire book!  (maybe someday?) There were several options that fell in our lap a year or so ago and each one we took very seriously, because we knew the Lord was "up to something".  A couple of them were pretty out there, but because of the place the Lord had brought us, nothing was a shocker at that time.  We were wide open, but scared to death. After intensely seeking after the Lord, we now know that we will be heading this summer to the Franklin, TN area to help with starting a Christian school there (it's already started and established...but only 2 years old...doesn't even have a highschool yet, and no football at all at this point) I'm sure I will write more about our work there in a future post, but it is Grace Christian Academy at Grace Chapel in Leipers Fork, TN, and there will be a number of ways Kenny will be helping lead there (helping lead in the spiritual direction of the school, helping develop what athletics will look like there as all of that is getting started, and serving as a Minister to Families) Kenny has always had the desire to get his seminary degree, and that is something he has worked on and will complete this May, even though we didn't really know when he started on it exactly why he was getting it. Through the past few years the Lord has increased our desire and longing to minister to families.  NOT because we have it all figured out, by any means.  We're on the same journey, just like everyone else, but in the body of Christ we're supposed to build each other up, help one another along, BE the body to one another, right?  God really began fine tuning our focus...I guess you could say, expanding it.  Where it has been specific to boys/young men so far (and still is) it now is expanded to the family.  If we really want to live, as we often say, beginning with the end in mind, then what really matters?  Only 3 things, as my husband says:  The Father, the family, and the field (others).  God began showing us He wanted us to begin gearing our work more specifically toward this goal.  As I said, the process it took to get us to this point, though, was absolutely grueling at times.  The Lord did some serious chipping away at us and what we thought we knew was His best for us and our family.

What I'm wanting to write for now is this...We are in a very, very strange place right now.  We are just a matter of days from telling everyone we know and love, including our own children, that we are leaving Landmark and moving to Franklin.  As I type these words very few people know anything about this.  Kenny and I have so many mixed emotions, but we are absolutely certain that this is what the Lord has been preparing us for.  He knew telling us to leave here would not be a quick or easy deal.  He knows (and cares for) our hearts.  We walked through this past football season, pretty certain from day one that it would be our last here, but not knowing exactly what was ahead.  I actually think that was such a precious gift from God...to allow us to know that so we could savor every single second even that much more. Every single step of it was more meaningful and emotional than I can ever begin to put into words, because we knew in our hearts what those around us did not. 

In 2 days we have the football banquet with these Landmark guys.  If you've never been a part of Landmark football, and specifically,  a Landmark football banquet, then I'm not sure I can express how meaningful they are.  This year will be even moreso, because of this group of young men and all that they accomplished together.  I am looking forward to, but also sick at my stomach a little about this banquet.  I have so much emotion welling up inside of me, even as I type this, it's hard to express.  Kenny does not want to make any announcements before the banquet, because this night needs to be about these guys, this team, not him and it being his last banquet here.  However, it's going to be difficult for him and me to get through that night without falling apart.  Kenny said something to me about that the other day...that he hopes he doesn't just absolutely fall apart up there and no one even knows why.  Then in the next week or two ahead, it will be about time.  Ready or not.  The Lord has made clear what the opportunity is, and the Dallas family will go. Our hearts are aching at the thought of sitting our precious boys down, looking them in the eyes, and telling them we're leaving...they love it here...their friends, their school, the team...everything they know.  In some ways, it makes it even harder, because they, too, had so much fun this season going all the way to the dome.  Why now?  Then, Kenny has the difficult task of telling his coaches and his team.  This is completely out of the blue to them all...and these are meaningful, deep relationships. I know how much he is dreading having to do this.  Ofcourse, from there my heart starts thinking through all the others here who are going to be saddened or affected.  My boys' closest friends, our closest friends... I hate the thought of all of that.  And, truthfully, this may sound bad, but I wish we could tell everyone and then just go ahead and go the next week!  Not because I'm so eager to get out of here, but because my heart wants to spare my children the months of still being here, where they love so much, day after day, but knowing they are leaving at the end of the school year.  I think our boys (I don't mean to leave out Elly and Zech, but they are much younger) will "get" what we're doing when we tell them.  I believe they'll trust us, and even be excited about what the Lord has next for us, but that doesn't mean they won't have a hard time on this end of things.  What I do pray is that the Lord will help them understand that if this is His will for us, then it's also His will for them.  He hasn't left them out of any of this. If He's called us there, He's also calling them there.  Also, my prayer is that they (and we) can see that, as difficult as it may be, we aren't just "leaving" here, but we are also, "going" somewhere.  I like the idea of going alot more than leaving.  It carries with it hope, adventure, and anticipation, rather than just sadness and fear.  If I mapped out the process we took to get to the point where we are now, the details would absolutely blow you away.  We have taken this decision more seriously than I can explain, and the Lord has been gracious to us to guide us step by step patiently reassuring us with every step along the way. I know God is in control. I have no doubts whatsoever.  We have no doubts whatsoever that this is what the Lord has for the Dallas family next, but in this moment with all of my emotions, I feel sick at my stomach thinking through telling everyone in the weeks ahead.  It's just hard.  It's right....but really hard.

January 25, 2012
Ok, I'm not used to my husband feeling the way he does right now...or myself, for that matter.  It's 1:40 on Wed afternoon, Jan 25th and Kenny just called to ask me to pray for him, because he's about to go try to talk to the principal/headmaster at Landmark.  I could hear over the phone that he was choked up and trying his best to hold back tears, as he said, "This is just hard, Shan...it's just hard."  We've had many moments like that in recent weeks and months, because with everything in us we've poured over this in prayer, laying on our face before God, literally at times, begging him to make this crystal clear to us.  However, it's still overwhelming when it's time...I remember about 11 years ago standing up on a 20 ft cliff in Maui holding hands with my husband, trying to muster up the courage to jump from way up high into the icy cold mountain water below.  You know that kind of feeling...when you know what you're doing is completely right, even wonderful in a lot of ways, but actually standing on the edge of jumping off feels sickening in a way...almost too much, and part of you wants to just run the other way and say, "forget it".  That's where we are. That's where my sweet husband is right now.  Taking that leap...a literal leap of faith into what the Lord has shown us is next in the journey.  I know that the Biblical picture of the word "trust" is one man lying on his face at the feet of another.  Do we trust the Lord in all of this?  Do we know that He is our Father and sees the big picture that we cannot?  Right now we are at His feet, face down, saying, "Lord, alot of this doesn't make any sense, but we trust you."  We've been here 11 years, established a home here, friends for ourselves and our children.  Helped be a part, along with many others, in continuing to build Landmark and most importantly, its students, into all God would have them to be.  This is the only home most of our children have ever known, and even the oldest can barely remember not living in Georgia and Landmark being part of everyday life....and specifically, Landmark football.  Our kids have grown up hauling equipment on and off the field, helping clean up weight rooms and locker rooms, and doing whatever it took to be at almost every game through the years, often on the sideline or on the bus right along with their daddy.  This IS their life.  It's a great life.  Great people.  Incredible experiences.  Why not stay forever?  Kenny has worked diligently for 11 years alongside his fellow coaches to build this football program, from little rec league kids all the way up to the varsity guys.  Anyone who's been around long knows there is nowhere else like it.  The building of young men, Godly mentorship, as well as a truly, unbelievably successful record...even all the way to the state championship game this year.  Why now, Lord?  He says, it's time.  We have heard Him clearly, and we definitely DO know He knows what He's doing.  Nevertheless, some of the hardest part is upon us.  It's time to actually do what we've been shown to do.  Knowing something and doing something are two entirely different things.  It's hard sometimes to "know"...it requires something of you, and it matters, but doing is a whole different level.  "Doing" often makes us uncomfortable.  It demands that we get out of our comfort zone and make something happen.  That's where my husband is right now.  It's not about him.  It's not even about our kids or me.  It's about our Lord.  And if this is what God has for Kenny Dallas, then it's also what He has for Shannon Dallas, and each and every one of our precious children.  He's got this.  It's all in His hands.  Praying for my sweet husband right now. God, this is hard...really hard stuff.  I know with all my heart that you are in it, or I can guarantee you we would not be doing it!  But, Lord, help this whole process over the next days and weeks to be honoring to You in every step of the way.  I pray that because they know our heart, that our children will trust us, and that You will plant in them an excitement and anticipation that, even through their sadness, they can't get away from.  Prepare their little hearts, please, Lord.  As far as the team goes, Lord, including their parents, and the other coaches, I just pray that they will get it.  That because of the life they have watched Coach Dallas live out in front of them they will not doubt even for a minute that this must be the will of God and they will never doubt how much Kenny loves each of them.  I pray that even through this decision some of those very young men are spurred on to hear the call of God in their own lives, because they've seen Kenny not just talk the talk, but walk the walk.  I posted a quote on facebook last week in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King that said, "Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."  That's exactly where we are.  Lord, help us to honor You every step of the way.


(I will share more in my next post about the days since these entries)